A client of mine has agreed, kindly, to share her story with all of you.
7th March 2018
After 31 months of weekly therapy sessions, I’ve walked this road, on a Wednesday at 2pm, for the last time today knowing it will be OK, that it is OK to have hope and it is OK to be proud of myself, proud of one of the hardest journeys of my life. I cried today walking this road, in 2015 there were no tears, too dead inside to cry, 2016 and 2017 will have included many tears, tears of anger, confusion, sadness and everything else. Today I hugged my therapist and thanked her for her patience and her perseverance. I instigated that hug, it felt natural… Something the old me could never have done.
July 2015, I walked that road, feeling desolate, there was nothing, so much pain and despair, I was beyond lost, a walking shell, a body that was dead on the inside unable to feel anything. All I craved for so many years was my own death, many suicide attempts made, a loathing of myself that was so ingrained I could never comprehend a future of any kind. So much self-loathing, no compassion towards myself, worthless and broken beyond repair I genuinely saw no end to the misery and torment of my existence.
Today my therapist said that at the beginning, those first 6 months, she went to her supervisor afraid she was unable to help me. I’m so grateful she kept on, that she pushed me when she did, when she sat in silence with me, she sat through the most awful flashbacks with me, that she heard me, she believed me, she helped me to explore the different parts of me, she accepted them parts and actively encouraged me to engage with not just what I perceived I “should” be but ALL of me.
I no longer feel shame for my journey, not even the tiniest part, yes there’s regret, but I’m OK with that, and never will I beat myself up over my past.
Today is a good day ♥
And today 26th May 2018
Nearly 3 months after that final therapy session things are good. I still have hope, I still have compassion and I still have a future that I’m hopeful and even excited for. I have nearly completed my first college course and am preparing to sign up to another one due to start in September. I have made steps in actively searching for voluntary work, even contacting people via telephone, something which was so far from my reach when I started this journey, I even specified via email to one charity exactly what I want to achieve and gain from working with them. Again, something I could not have done in the past, as I believed my needs were irrelevant.
I am able to set boundaries with people in my life, people that have a negative impact on my life such as my ex-husband, and family members. I am in the process of finally getting a divorce from my husband and deal with the stress and negative emotions etc in a manageable way, something like this in the past would have broken me.
The biggest and most exciting change for me is that after nearly 7 years of being single, too scared to trust someone else, too scared to let them in, too scared to risk being hurt, too scared of being vulnerable, too scared of having something and maybe losing it, I have taken a leap and have begun seeing someone. It’s very early days, in fact only 2 months. But from the very beginning, I have been me, I haven’t been someone I presumed he’d want me to be, I haven’t hidden who I am, I have been wholeheartedly me. I have the opinion that if someone is going to be in my life then they can accept me as I am or not at all because I deserve that. I finally deserve to be happy, living in the moment and taking joy and pleasure in everyday life instead of fearing tomorrow all the time.
Finally, my relationship with my daughter is now beyond amazing, it is beautiful, it’s fun, and it’s full of love and laughter, it’s repaired from the missing years and we are closer than I ever could have hoped.
Thank you again, Matilde, for everything.