I went to Liverpool to celebrate something important with a couple of close friends. Do you know, those kind of friends who really know you and you really know them; and you can talk and tell stories and they are always there to help you. That kind of friends.
We have known each others for years, years filled of evenings where the three of us spent hours with bottles of white wine, fags and tarot cards.
Sometimes just a text was enough. A text with one word: Kebab?!? which meant, again: food, yes. But especially white wine, fags and tarot cards.
This weekend was different. We have seen each other before, mid October, when I just started Stoptober and I was fuelled and charged up and quitting sounded just so easy.
But this weekend, it was really different: I felt out of my comfort zone, I wasn’t in my house, we also needed to talk and tell each other the ‘last news’ and I also had a pretty sweet story to tell. This meant: white wine and tarot cards. But no fags.
I can tell you that it was difficult. It has been hard, being there with two smokers and not smoke. I could have easily reached out for a cigarette. I had to force myself and ask them to please do not give me one if I caved in and begged for a fag.
Now I am back home and the moment I sat in my car, ready to drive back, I felt protected and the desire to smoke simply disappeared.
I am wondering what’s the ratio: alcohol? smoking friends? out of comfort zone? habits?
I am also thinking: if I stayed there longer, would I have been able to create new smoke-free habits with the ol’friends, or would I have caved in?
The things I am happy about, besides seeing my friends and spending some good time with them, are that of course, in the end, not only I haven’t smoke but I haven’t even asked for a cigarette (!): I didn’t beg, I didn’t plea… and that the moment I went back to my car I was happy to go back to my ‘usual’ smoke-free life. At the same time, I have felt how easy it can be just to lower your boundaries and relapse: still, no cockiness woman! It can be just so easy…
I know a relapse is not the end of the world! But why risk it?
I think I need to focus more (again!) on the WHY I am quitting in order to strengthen my armour… and as per usual, I’ll keep you posted!